For a person who has the reputation of inculcating a culture of intimidation I also oddly inspire a lot of enthusiastic loyalty from my students. One of the best examples of this - and one of my most treasured artifacts from now (as hard as it is to believe) thirty years of teaching - was presented to me by two of my favorite students (and unrepentant reprobates), Catherine Jones and Caitlin D'Onofrio. They have both taken me several times, with Catherine holding the North American record of taking me four different times.
After the last meeting of my Arab Women's Writers class (and how I ended up teaching that class is a story in itself) they waited around to present me with a Scudder Survival Guide which they had written themselves. I was too choked up to ask the obvious question: shouldn't you have been spending your Finals Week studying instead? That said, it is priceless and should be required reading for all my future students. I'll include a couple pictures and the text, although I'll have to wait until the beginning of the next semester to snap a picture of the two miscreants for posting.
* * *
If you're a freshman, I'm sorry.
In the event of tardiness, don't even think about coming to class without bringing a snack to present to Scudder. There will be times that it will cause you to be significantly later than if you didn't, but trust us when we say that you will regret not doing so the moment you walk into the classroom.
Learn to accept your impending fate that the best grade you will receive is B/B+. Anything higher and pinch yourself because you're dreaming.
If you're on your phone or computer in the middle of one of these discussions, assume that you're not only failing this class, but everything else in life.
Until the very second that Scudder dismisses your class, don't you dare move a muscle to pack up your backpack, or put on your jacket. Stupid, stupid move.
When you think that there really is no deeper meaning, you're wrong. Look harder.
Be less stupid.
Don't forget that Winesburg, Ohio is the greatest American novel of all time.
Reference Dickens whenever possible . . . and if you don't know who Charles Dickens is then just drop this class right now.
Gary Scudder is a film whore. Call him Gary and he will kill you.
To freshmen: don't think that you will impress Scudder with your knowledge of Sigmund Freud and his theories. You will soon learn that they can be related to anything which doesn't make them impressive.
If you think something you're going to contribute might sound stupid, it probably does. But say it anyways because he'll bask in the glorious opportunity you presented to him of mocking your buffoonery.
Be alert and prepared to shield yourself from flying markers, books, or anything within arm's reach capable of being thrown at you that won't cause irreparable damage, but enough force to make you regret whatever you just said.
If you're making a PowerPoint don't you dare use full sentences. Bullet points, people.
Karl Marx. That's it.
Be prepared to think more deeply than you ever have, participate in discussions you never dreamt of being capable to participate in, and to walk out of the room each day having a completely different perspective on the world . . . all as a result of a man who will without fail, not matter what bullshit you pull, refer to you as a scholar.
* * *
That last one really got to me. I also liked the one about looking harder. I do love to teach - and, despite popular perception, I do love my students (and none more than these two knucklehead scholars).
After the last meeting of my Arab Women's Writers class (and how I ended up teaching that class is a story in itself) they waited around to present me with a Scudder Survival Guide which they had written themselves. I was too choked up to ask the obvious question: shouldn't you have been spending your Finals Week studying instead? That said, it is priceless and should be required reading for all my future students. I'll include a couple pictures and the text, although I'll have to wait until the beginning of the next semester to snap a picture of the two miscreants for posting.
* * *
Scudder Survival Guide
[Classified]
Written by 3 Year Scudder Survivors
Catherine Jones & Caitlin D'Onofrio
If you're a freshman, I'm sorry.
In the event of tardiness, don't even think about coming to class without bringing a snack to present to Scudder. There will be times that it will cause you to be significantly later than if you didn't, but trust us when we say that you will regret not doing so the moment you walk into the classroom.
Learn to accept your impending fate that the best grade you will receive is B/B+. Anything higher and pinch yourself because you're dreaming.
If you're on your phone or computer in the middle of one of these discussions, assume that you're not only failing this class, but everything else in life.
Until the very second that Scudder dismisses your class, don't you dare move a muscle to pack up your backpack, or put on your jacket. Stupid, stupid move.
When you think that there really is no deeper meaning, you're wrong. Look harder.
Be less stupid.
Don't forget that Winesburg, Ohio is the greatest American novel of all time.
Reference Dickens whenever possible . . . and if you don't know who Charles Dickens is then just drop this class right now.
Gary Scudder is a film whore. Call him Gary and he will kill you.
To freshmen: don't think that you will impress Scudder with your knowledge of Sigmund Freud and his theories. You will soon learn that they can be related to anything which doesn't make them impressive.
If you think something you're going to contribute might sound stupid, it probably does. But say it anyways because he'll bask in the glorious opportunity you presented to him of mocking your buffoonery.
Be alert and prepared to shield yourself from flying markers, books, or anything within arm's reach capable of being thrown at you that won't cause irreparable damage, but enough force to make you regret whatever you just said.
If you're making a PowerPoint don't you dare use full sentences. Bullet points, people.
Karl Marx. That's it.
Be prepared to think more deeply than you ever have, participate in discussions you never dreamt of being capable to participate in, and to walk out of the room each day having a completely different perspective on the world . . . all as a result of a man who will without fail, not matter what bullshit you pull, refer to you as a scholar.
* * *
That last one really got to me. I also liked the one about looking harder. I do love to teach - and, despite popular perception, I do love my students (and none more than these two knucklehead scholars).
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