In a Future in Which I Won't Belong

 It sometimes occurs to me, with sad delight, that if one day (in a future in which I won't belong) the sentences I write are read and admired, then at last I'll have my own kin, people who 'understand' me, my true family in which to be born and loved. But far from being born into it, I'll have already died long ago. I'll be understood only in effigy, when affection can no longer compensate for the indifference that was the dad man's lot in life.

Fernando Pessoa, The Book of Disquiet, ch. 191

Actually, beyond the number of depressing/distressing posts I've had lately, I don't necessarily consider this to a sad reflection on the part of Pessoa.  Earlier today I was talking to Janet about my interest/fascination with learning Portuguese. I told her that I think it falls into three categories: 1) whether or not we end up moving to Portugal I could very well see us spending four or six weeks in the country every year, and I'd like to be able to fit in - and not simply be one of those American wankers who live, especially on the southern coast, who don't actually try and live in Portugal, 2) I'm at age where learning a foreign language is a really good way to keep your brain lubricated, and 3) it pains me that I've reached the age of sixty-three and I'm one of those Americans - and the very ones that I make fun of - for not speaking, or even trying to speak, a second language. Essentially, I'm embarrassed that I don't speak another language, and even if I speak a particularly ugly version of Portuguese I'm still going to try and speak Portuguese.

Finally, it gets at a bigger point: how have I reached this point and have not finished a couple books? I have publications, but they inevitably relate to teaching (which, obviously, is nothing to be ashamed of - and I'll doubtless finish my life being a better teacher than a scholar). Still, I have a doctorate and people with doctorates should be produced more tangible and useful scholarship, even if future generations don't pay much attention to it. However, if they do, that may be the family reunion I finally attend.