Meditations #6

 An empty pageant; a stage play; flocks of sheep, herds of cattle; a tussle of spearmen; a bone flung among a pack of curs; a crumb tossed into a pond of fish; ants, loaded and labouring; mice, scared and scampering; puppets, jerking on their strings - that is life. In the midst of it all you must take your stand, good-temperedly and without disdain, yet always aware that a man's worth is no greater than the worth of his ambitions.

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book Seven

This passage has really stuck with me lately, as I've been struggling mightily on multiple levels. On the one hand it's another one of those great MA descriptions of the general chaos and folly and pointlessness of life (at least an unexamined life), but, typically, it digs deeper. I was talking to a friend recently and I admitted to her that for the first time in my life I was scared, not worried or fretful or stressed, but actually scared. On so many levels my life is crumbling around me: physically (constant pain) and professionally (increasingly my students don't like me and my colleagues are dismissive of me) and emotionally (I'm alone, and I've given up on that front; enough pain is too much pain) and intellectually (the medicine I'm on for my polyneuropathy has left me tired, sluggish, and muddle-headed; I was getting so much writing done before I started it and now that's a distant memory - sure, I can walk better, but I can't seem to put two sentences together). So, what can one do? As MA reminds us, the power of release from life is always in our hands, but we discussed that in another Meditations post. Well, as MA tells us above, you take your stand. Now, if a "man's worth is no greater than the worth of his ambitions," what are my ambitions now? Truthfully, I don't know. My professional ambitions, either through writing or taking students overseas (or even teaching classes that I like), seem to be fading away. This may sound cheesy, but I would like to be with someone, but I can't even begin to imagine that possibility anymore. Maybe one just tries to be of service. Last week I found myself volunteering on three different fronts: the Food Shelf and Techdren and the Islamic Society of Vermont (we'll be opening a free clinic at the ISVT and I'm definitely interested in volunteering there as well). Service to the greater good would be an answer that both MA and Islam would approve. Let's just start there.