And here, finally, is the wedding ceremony for my excellent friends Sandy and Debbie. I officiated at their wedding last summer, which was the second time that I've had this tremendous honor. Many people booed at my clumsy words and threw objects at the officiant, but the couple are still very happy so I view it as a success.
Sanford
& Debbie’s Wedding
Gary and Sandy will be standing
where they will stand during the ceremony.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Music: ABBA, "Take a Chance on Me"
Eugene and Wendy will come down the aisle and take their positions.
Tony and Carol will come down the aisle and take their positions.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Music: the bridal march.
Debbie and her father will come down the aisle. Her father will sit down
at the front. Debbie will take her position.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gary: Greetings and welcome to
everyone who have come from near and far to join us on this special day. First off, I’d like to pass along Sandy and
Debbie’s sincere appreciation to each and every one of you for joining them
today. Secondly, I’d like to take the
opportunity to thank you both for letting me play a small role in this wonderful
day.
Gary: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the presence of
these witnesses, to join together this man and this woman in matrimony, which
is an honorable estate, instituted in antiquity and rightly esteemed as a noble
and tender human relationship. It is therefore not to be entered into
lightly or unadvisedly, but with gravity and deliberation. Into this
estate these two persons come now to be joined.
[Here, Gary makes whatever remarks he would like to make. Sir, please use
the word "redemption" during the course of your remarks.]
Gary: At
this point in the ceremony the bride and groom asked me to say a few
words. But, before we continue I just
have to say something – is anyone else here feeling the most amazing sense of
déjà vu? Yes, it was almost exactly a
year ago that these two first met. It
was the eve of the wedding of the excellent Heidi Steiner and the passable Andy
Burkhardt that several of us were sitting upstairs here at the Saint John’s
Club playing a game of chance.
As the
usual crowd began to thin out, Sanford, as is his wont, went to find new
players. He returned a few moments later
with a beautiful, intelligent and funny woman that we all immediately
adored. At the end of the evening Sandy
asked this mystery woman to accompany him the next day to Heidi and Andy’s
wedding, and to the shock of all of us she said yes. Naturally, before the ceremony there was much
betting on whether or not she would actually show. And, as with all bets that are associated
with Debbie, I lost – and she showed up looking even more beautiful than the night
before. And now here we are today.
It’s
certainly a mystery, and in an attempt to solve this mystery I turned to
philosophy for possible answers. I
discovered the works of an obscure 18th century philosopher by the
name of Denis Diderot – who I really wish Sandy would have mentioned to us at
some point.
Diderot
proposed that “Life is but a series of misunderstandings.” So I thought, maybe Debbie just didn’t
understand. Except that if anyone
understands Sandy it’s Debbie. She understands
him and accepts him and cherishes him – just as he understands her and accepts
her and cherishes her – just as we all want to be understood and accepted and
cherished by the person we love the most.
So, it’s hard to see it as a misunderstanding or an accident. And truthfully the older I get, the less I
believe in random chance. You can call
it fate or divine intervention, but from the first night they met – and every
night in between - it was obvious to everyone that they belonged together.
Still,
at first blush they seem a mismatched couple – Debbie: the sweet and gentle
optimist, and Sandy: whose personal motto is “it doesn’t matter if the glass is
half-full or half-empty, because eventually you’re just going to spill it”. But
you know, they just work – and they make each other very happy – and they make
the people around them happy. A little
difference is a good thing. As Diderot
reminds us, “Nothing is duller than a progression of common cords. One wants some contrast . . .”
Sandy
and Debbie asked me to say a few words about the two of them, which I’m happy
to do because I love them both. First
off, what does one say about Debbie?
Diderot warned us that, “The wisest among us is very lucky never to have
met the woman . . . who could drive him
crazy enough to be put into an asylum.”
But, instead, Sandy ended up with Debbie, who is actually making him
saner . And he even looks younger –
which we can only associate with Debbie’s good graces. Debbie is kind and sweet and smart and funny
and courageous. Sandy told me that
Debbie is so kind and pure and good that he can’t even be bad, and, really,
with Sandy that is an amazing compliment.
However, don’t be fooled, because behind that beaming smile lies the
heart of an assassin. And please don’t
ever play poker with her. The only
reason why I agreed to perform the ceremony was her promise to expunge my
gambling debts.
Now,
what does one say about Sandy? First
off, Sandy will doubtless drive poor Debbie into an asylum. I didn’t actually know Sandy very well until
a couple years ago when we decided to undertake a cross-country trip to Guymon,
Oklahoma. Many people doubted the logic
of this trip, since we both possess, to be kind, over-sized personalities. On the eve of the trip our friend Mike Lange
said, “I have two words for you – shallow grave.” Nevertheless, we got along famously. For two weeks and 3000 miles we never popped
in a CD or turned on the radio or TV, we just talked. We discussed life, which we’ve both seen way
too much of, and philosophy, which we argued about endlessly, and women, which
we mainly knew from hearsay. What I
discovered is that Sandy has the biggest heart and the most tender soul of
anyone I have ever met – and who also appreciates friendship more than anyone I
have ever met. Last year I had a job
offer overseas, and all of my friends, including, oddly, my fiancée, encouraged
me to take it; with the exception of one person, Sandy, who simply said, “You
can’t go. I would miss you too
much.” Diderot advised, “My friend, keep
your old friends.” The big turnout today
proves how much we love and appreciate this “old friend.”
I’ve
already talked too long, although it only scratches the surface of what I’d
like to say – what we’d all like to say – about these two wonderful
people. So I’ll leave you with one last
passage from Diderot. In one of his
novels he has a lover say to his beloved the following, which I think expresses
what Sandy and Debbie feel toward each other - “I am wholly yours – you are
everything to me; we will sustain each other in all the ills of life it may
please fate to inflict upon us; you will soothe my troubles; I will comfort you
in yours.” Who could want anything more
than that?
Now,
let’s get these two married before Debbie comes to her senses.
Gary: I ask you both, as you
stand here in the presence of your families and friends, to reflect upon the
nature of the vows that you are about to make. They are not frivolous,
they are not temporary, and they are not subject to change. They are
sacred, they are permanent, and they are inviolable. You must never
forget that you are not at liberty to break them. You must always
remember that, on this day and before these witnesses, you made a promise, and
that your promise is forever.
Gary: Sanford, will you have this woman to be your wedded wife, to live
together in the estate of matrimony, to have and to hold, from this day
forward, for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and
in health, forsaking all others and keeping only to her, to love her, to honor
her, and to obey her, till death do you part?
Sandy: I will.
Gary: Deborah, will you have
this man to be your wedded husband, to live together in the estate of
matrimony, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better and for
worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all
others and keeping only to him, to love him, to honor him, and to obey him,
till death do you part?
Debbie: I will.
Gary: These rings are an outward
and visible sign of an inward love, signifying to all the uniting of this man
and this woman in matrimony.
(Tony hands ring to Sandy.)
Sandy: Ms. Jaimes, I unite myself with you for the rest of my life.
Wherever the gods may take me, there I shall take you, in my heart. With
this ring, I thee wed.
(Sandy puts ring on Debbie's finger.)
(Carol hands ring to Debbie.)
Debbie: Mr. Zale, I unite myself with you for the rest of my life.
Wherever God may take me, there I shall take you, in my heart. With this
ring, I thee wed.
(Debbie puts ring on Sandy's finger.)
Gary: Forasmuch as Sanford and
Deborah have consented together in wedlock, and have witnessed this before this
company, and have made solemn vows to each other, I pronounce, by the power vested
in me by the state of Vermont, that they are husband and wife together.
You may kiss the bride.
(Sandy and Debbie kiss.)
(Sandy crushes a glass with his foot. Some of the people will shout
"Mazel Tov.")
Gary:
May no one set this union asunder.
May all blessings attend you.
May joy pervade your lives together.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Music: Still to be determined, but I sort of have to insist on Ms. Edith Piaf,
"Hyme a l'amour."
Eugene and Wendy walk down the aisle.
Tony and Carol walk down the aisle.
Gary walks down the aisle.
Sandy and Debbie walk down the aisle.
[I know that this order is unconventional; it is deliberate.]
Gary: Thanks again for coming. Please make your way upstairs for
refreshments. The wedding party will
join you in a few moments.
