"I shall never regret," said Mr. Pickwick in a low voice, "I shall never regret having devoted the greater part of two years to mixing with different varieties and shades of human character: frivolous as my pursuit of novelty may have appeared to many. Nearly the whole of my previous life having been devoted to business and the pursuit of wealth, numerous scenes of which I had no previous conception have dawned upon me - I hope to the enlargement of my mind, and the improvement of my understanding. If I have done but little good, I trust I have done less harm, and that none of my adventures will be other than a source of amusing and pleasant recollection to me in the decline of life. God bless you all!!""
Charles Dickens, The Pickwick Papers
Fernando Pessoa (another one of my man crushes, as you know) had famously proposed that the greatest regret of his life was never being able to read The Pickwick Papers again for the first time. Mr. Pickwick had called his friends - and members of the PC - together let let them know that, "The Pickwick Club exists no longer." I thought of this line the other night at 2:00 in the morning, when pain had forced me awake, and I was keeping the cats company out in the living room. Usually, my self-loathing (which is always flowing just beneath the surface) is most acute during those times in the middle of the night when I can't sleep (this is a new experience for me, another gift from old age, because for most of my life the only thing I did well was sleep; sleep apnea was doing its best to kill me, but at least I wasn't staring at the ceiling, reflecting upon my innumerable failures as a father, husband, son, brother, friend, scholar, teacher, etc.). I reached for one of our copies of The Pickwick Papers and tracked down the passage. I suppose it should have made me sad, but instead it filled me with appreciation, for all of the people who have played, continue to play, and hopefully will always play, a role in my absurdly rich life. Doubtless, I will be dragooned to speak at tomorrow's going away soiree, and hopefully Dickens will help me out.





