"It sometimes happened, again, that, when, after meeting Swann, she saw some man approaching, whom he did not know, he could distinguish upon Odette's face that look of sorrow which she had worn on the day when he had come to her while Forcherville was there. But this was rare; for, on the days when, in spite of all that she had to do, and of her dread of what people would think, she did actually manage to see Swann, the predominant quality in her attitude, now, was self-assurance; a striking contrast, perhaps an unconscious revenge for, perhaps a natural reaction from the timorous emotion which, in the early days of their friendship, she had felt in his presence, and even in his absence, when she began ta letter to him with the words: 'My dear, my hand trembles so that I can scarcely write.' (So, at least, she pretended, and a little of that emotion must have been sincere, or she would not have been anxious to enlarge and emphasize it.) So Swann had been pleasing to her then. Our hands so not tremble except for ourselves, or for those whom we love. When they have ceased to control how happiness how peaceful, how easy, how bold do we become in their presence! In speaking of him, in writing to him now, she no longer employed those words which she had sought to give herself the illusion that he belonged to her, creating opportunities for saying 'my' and 'mine' when she referred to him . . ."
Marcel Proust, Swann's Way, pp. 336-337
There is a belief, probably bordering on a mythology, that in a relationship you must give of yourself totally to the other person. I remember talking to someone one time when the point was made that a key part of a healthy relationship is the willingness or desire on the part of both parties to whore themselves out to the other person. Obviously, there were stipulations, the most obvious ones being that it was a mutual decision and one reached independently and willingly and it was within reason. Essentially, if I can remember the exact flow of the conversation (it's been a few years), the point was that a stable relationship is based on the desire on the part of each partner to give themselves to the other without boundary, at least upon occasion. I don't know if I necessarily agreed at the time, but I thought it was an interesting way to consider the question, even if indelicate. To be fair, my memory of my friend's comment was that she was using the word "whoring" in a sincere attempt to make a point, albeit a philosophical one, and not in an ironic or post-structuralist or feminist reclamation way - although, like I said, it was a long time ago. Of course, there are many reasons why this would blow up, with the most obvious being that it was not mutual. So, if one person is always the one giving of themselves totally to the other, and it could be sexual or could also be emotional, then there is definitely a vast difference in power and the potential for abuse is definitely present. Certainly it speaks to a certain corruption that exists at the heart of the relationship, and those types of situations tend to spread and not mend themselves. In addition to everything else, the person who is always giving all, rather it is sexual or emotional, will eventually come to hate their oppressor, and probably all too sadly themselves. And I think this shows up in all sorts of ways because it touches directly on power dynamics in a relationship, which might help explain Odette's actions in the section above. As we always do at the start of a relationship we give of ourselves, either consciously or unconsciously, completely - or at least make promises that we will give of ourselves completely - to the other person. So Odette writes to Swann, "My dear, my hand trembles so that I can scarcely write." This leads Proust to propose that her later coldness to Swann is an "unconscious revenge." In other words, she's trying to regain control of herself and the relationship. Sadly, both extremes, the slavish devotion and cold rebalancing, can be anathema to a stable relationship.
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