Saturday, November 4, 2017

My Years With Proust - Day 634

   I took home with me the girls who would have appeared to me least, I stroked sleek virginal tresses, I admired a small and well-shaped nose or a Spanish pallor.  True, in the past, even with a woman I had merely glimpsed on a road near Balbec or in a street in Paris, I had felt the individuality of my desire and that it would be adulterating it to seek to assuage it with another person.  but life, by disclosing to me little by little the permanence of our needs, had taught me that failing one person we must content ourselves with another, and I felt that what I had demanded of Albertine could have been given to me by another, by Mlle de Stermaria.  But it had been Albertine; and between the satisfaction of my need for tenderness and the distinctive characteristics of her body, such an inextricable network of memories had been woven that I could no longer detach it from any new physical desire.  She alone could give me that happiness.  The idea of her uniqueness was no longer a metaphysical a priori based upon what was individual in Albertine, as in the case of the women I passed in the street long ago, but in a posteriori created by the contingent and indissoluble overlapping of my memories.  I could no longer desire physically without feeling a need for her, without suffering from her absence. Hence mere resemblance of the woman chosen, the caresses sought, to the happiness I had known only made me the more conscious of all that they lacked wherewith to revive it. The same vacuum that I had found in my room since Albertine had left, and had supposed that I could fill by taking women in my arms, I found in them.  They had never spoken to me, these women, of Vinteuil's music, of Saint-Simon's memoirs, they had not sprayed themselves with an overpowering scent before coming to see me, they had not played in intertwining their eyelashes with mine, all of which things are important because they seem to enable one to weave dreams round the sexual act itself and to give oneself the illusion of love, but in reality because they formed part of my  memory of Albertine and it was she whom I wanted there.  What these women had in common with Albertine made me feel all the  more strongly what was lacking of her in them, which was everything, and would never exist again since Albertine was dead.  And so my love for Albertine, which had drawn me towards these women, made me indifferent to them, and my regret for Albertine and the persistence of my jealousy, which had already outlasted my most pessimistic calculations, would perhaps never had altered appreciably if their existence, isolated from the rest of my life, had been subjected merely to the play of my memories, to the actions and reactions of a psychology applicable to immobile states, and had not been drawn into a vaster system in which souls move in time as bodies move in space.
Marcel Proust, The Fugitive, pp. 567-568

 I've talked before about the fact that I often find myself waging an internal war while I read Remembrance of Things Past, a struggle between my strong romantic nature and my innate snarky skepticism.  I stagger back and forth between believing that Marcel loved Albertine (or at least wanting to believe that Marcel loved Albertine) and convincing myself, quite rationally, that he simply wanted to control, if not dominate her, because of his own unique messed up psychological wiring.  It's not made any easier by the fact that I suspect that both facts are true.  Proust tells us, "But it had been Albertine; and between the satisfaction of my need for tenderness and the distinctive characteristics of her body, such an inextricable network of memories had been woven that I could no longer detach it from any new physical desire.  She alone could give me that happiness." I'm quite certain that this observation was true, or at least it was true for that stretch of time. As Proust continues this rumination he lays out what made Albertine unique, and what other women couldn't capture, and in the process gives us a glimpse into what made him love her: "They had never spoken to me, these women, of Vinteuil's music, of Saint-Simon's memoirs, they had not sprayed themselves with an overpowering scent before coming to see me, they had not played in intertwining their eyelashes with mine, all of which things are important because they seem to enable one to weave dreams round the sexual act itself and to give oneself the illusion of love, but in reality because they formed part of my  memory of Albertine and it was she whom I wanted there."  Lover affairs are always a tapestry of small, odd little moments which never make any sense when you look at them individually, but if you step back, like looking at a Monet, it all comes into focus.  It got me thinking about the little moments of every love affair I've known, of my life with these women, memories just washed over me.  That said, I will be respectful enough not to share them.


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